Living in the memories of you.

Where are you now, its been a while since I heard from you,

Do you even remember me anymore?

Because before I left, you promised you wouldn't forget,

All  that we went through, everything that we knew,

You promised you'd remember, the memories of December..

Those days, those nights, those laughter & those fights,

You told it'd be hard, when we'll be miles apart,

And now that we are, like the enemies of a war,

It hurts when I think of us, also when I miss you so much,

Thinking of you I cry, everyday I die,

Every moment I wait, I stay up 'til late,

Only to hear from you, only to hear your voice,

I listen to our songs all the time, they work as your disguise.

Every morning's a disappointment, still not a word from you,

I distract myself and I somehow get through..

But its funny to see, how you are so happy without me,

And I wonder if at all you feel the way I do..

Because I'm waiting for you, I need you here right now,

I'm sick of living in the memories of you.

Just when I need you the most.

Sitting by the waters, in the twilight

Lost in the waves that come and go by,

The grey clouds take over the darkening moonlit sky;

My heart gives out a cry and I don't know why.

I close my eyes to ask it why, your face flashes in my mind,

I have nobody next to me, nobody behind..

The soft breeze plays with my hair;

I look around but you aren't there.

I only wish, I only crave, 

For one touch of you, for one warm embrace..

You love me, you need me but why aren't you here?

To take away this emptiness, to make this pain disappear..

The waves call out to me as I silently weep,

They sing me a lullaby and it rings me too deep,

The wind lifts me up, it tries to set me free;

But as I listen to the music of the nature,

My heart sings its own melancholy.

The lightening strikes and as I open my eyes,

The raindrops hit my face and I realize,

You aren't here, just when I need you the most..

As the night crawls and as my tears fall,

I wonder why you aren't around..

Just when I need you the most.

Things change, people leave & life never stops for anybody.

Funny how day by day nothing changes but when we look back, everything is different? Well, actually we are always undergoing the process of change. Our thoughts and beliefs change by the minute. But we are so blinded by the moment we're living in that we don't pay any attention to it. We blame it on the mood, on somebody's advise that we think might have influenced us for a while. But no, its in our nature, we change. So you think tomorrow won't be any different from today, but it is really. Everything is different. Our mood, the date, the time, even the air as we breathe isn't the same.. and even us, as we grow a little everyday. So a person appeals to you one moment but you don't feel the same way the next. Impressions change, opinions change. So you think you'll always mean as much to someone as you do now. But no. Priorities change, people change. They turn into everything they had once promised they'd never be. So much can happen in only a moment, you know. You might lose your most prized possession or the most special person in your life, just like that. And will your life ever be the same? No. The meaning of life will change. That's why promises cannot be kept, that's why they shouldn't even be made. 

There are certain things in life, however, that can never change. But ofcourse, they are rare. Very very rare and its tough distinguishing between them in this ever so changing world. But that doesn't mean we should give up on the idea of life. We are accustomed to deal with such changes. These infact, only help us grow as a person. We learn something everyday, with every little happening that we experience - consciously or not. We grow stronger with every hurt. We learn our lessons with every mistake made. We realize who the true friends are and how we should not trust easily. We come to know that everything that happens, happens for a reason. We learn to hold onto the people who will be the only stable things in our life when everything else changes. That's when we come to know that the word 'forever' is only an illusion that we crave for.. a dream, a really really distant dream. We realize that nothing lasts forever. That's when we are actually able to tell the difference between the things that change and that don't. And that's when we know, we've grown up. So when things change and friends leave, call it a lesson learned and move on. Because they left for a reason. Because sometimes, things fall apart so that better things can fall together. Ofcourse it hurts now, but hey, even feelings change. 

And he'll always be her favorite memory. ♥

They had been best friends for 7 years. The relationship that they had was enviable. Happy moments or sad, they had always been there for each other. They had been through a gamut of experiences together which had only brought them closer. They were always inseparable until he ended up being in a relationship and his girlfriend could not stand their friendship. Things were now falling apart. He tried a lot to get rid of her insecurity, but it didn't really work. Instead, it only worsened. Devastated as he was, he had to choose between love and friendship.

He couldn't help but replay all the memories of their friendship.. of all those conversations where they had promised they'd be friends forever. His heart dropped for a moment and tears rolled down his cheeks, but he knew there was nothing else that he could do. He loved his girlfriend and couldn't afford to lose her at any cost. 

"Its okay, I understand"

That's all she said when he told her about the decision he had forcibly taken.

Why didn't she say anything more? Didn't his going away bother her at all? Everything had come to an end and yet she didn't say a word. She couldn't even shed a single tear. Did he matter to her at all? She didn't even fight for their beautiful friendship. What was wrong with her? If only she'd say something.. anything..
He did not know what had been causing him more pain, having to say those words or her walking away saying nothing, without reacting at all.


If only he could read what had been going on in her mind while he said those beseeching words. If only he could see her falling apart underneath that stoic mask.


As soon as she got home that day, she had stormed into the washroom. She could hear her mum's voice trailing off behind but she didn't care to respond back. She locked herself in and stared at her reflection for a minute. She looked dreadful. Her eyes were swollen and red and her face looked pale. Her hair was all messed up but she didn't care enough to fix them. She wasn't really herself then.. and soon, those words started to echo from all around. "I'm sorry, we can't be friends anymore", he had said.
Those words had numbed her. She sensed something trickling down her cheek, she was crying. She cried silently while her insides were yearning to groan and scream as loud as they could. But she didn't really want to perturb her mum. So, she washed her face, fixed her hair and with a smile plasted on her face, took a deep sigh and unlocked the door.


But she was broken, not only for now but for the rest of her life. He hadn't just been her best friend, he had been her life. She loved him. Having him love someone else had already been hurtful enough and now she had to deal with both, a broken heart and a broken friendship. She would never see him again. She had lost him forever, her best friend, her everything. Now she could only hold onto the memories of them together. And ofcourse, she'd see him in her dreams.
She didn't know if she would ever get over him or would always live in the shadows of the past, but she knew that if she had let even a single tear fall, he would never go ahead with his decision. She knew it was already hard for him to take such a decision and she didn't want to trouble him any further. There were so many questions that she had in her mind, immeasurably so much more inside that could come out in words. But even though a part of her died with every word that he spoke, she kept quiet.
Because she wanted him happy.. because she loved him. And the latter, he'd never know of.


Because when you really love someone, you only wish the best for them. You want them happy even if it means you not being a part of their happiness. Maybe a part of loving is learning to let go. 

-When I broke my own heart. ♥

A thousand wishes I had made on a thousand shooting stars,

only to get back what I had lost and to heal all my scars.

Cuz the distance that pulled us apart was something I never wanted,

and I was sorry for all the time I had taken you for granted.

They say you realize the value of something only after you lose it,

If I hadn't lost you, my love, I would never have believed it.

I knew in every way, my biggest mistake was to keep us apart..

and without you everyday, I was breaking my own heart. 

A thousand memories I had lived after we had gone our separate ways,

only to feel how you had made me feel then and to relive those days.

Cuz the love that we had for each other was out of the ordinary,

and  when I had you around, I had nothing to worry. 

The reason why things went wrong had now abated my mind, 

and all the fears and the insecurities, I had now left behind. 

I should have held on to the hope that I had from the start,

cuz without you everyday, I was breaking my own heart. 

And just after I had let a thousand tears fall, 

I knew I had to bring down this ever steepening wall -

that separated you from me, that killed me everyday, 

that shattered all our dreams, that took the faith away. 

A thousand untold feelings I was encrusted with, that I needed you to know,

If only I got to have you again, I would never let you go. 

I had to tell you how I missed you, how I needed you everyday, 

and how I was breaking my own heart when you were away. 

Even a thousand expressions couldn't have expressed,

how yr absence had made me feel so alone and distressed. 

You were all I could think of, you were all that I could see..

and when I lost you, it felt like I had lost a part of me. 

When I let a thousand words speak, you told me you felt the same, 

and that you'd do anything to live those moments again..

I now know things that I should have always known, 

we're stronger here together than we could ever be alone,

we'll grow old with each other, now there will be no more goodbyes..

we'll watch every sunrise together until the sunset of our lives. 

-Tired of being tired.

We're all walking around with those glossy eyes. "I'm just tired," we say. We're living multiple lives and having battles within, struggling to get rid of all the pain we have and yet not wanting the world to know what we're going through. Why? Because we know that explaining the pain is only gonna break us all over again. Because we are tired, but its not all from lack of sleep. We are tired of waking up with nothing to look forward to. Tired of going to bed exhausted after doing a million things that we find no enjoyment in doing. We're tired of this void, this emptiness that looms over us even when we've just so many things to do. We're tired of the loneliness even though we are surrounded by dozens of people. And we are tired of being tired. So why can't we just say it? 

Humans are so afraid to look into each other's eyes and say, "I'm unhappy, I'm broken." We've been conditioned to associate pain with weakness, sadness with coldness, loneliness with unworthiness, difference with disease, as if these feelings are contagious, as if ambivalence is something not to be felt but to be feared. 

Well, I say screw all of that. Screw all the pretending and the fake smiles and the polite handshakes and I'm fines. Screw the fear of crying in a public place, screw the fake chipper voice, screw the lies that we spit out to cover up our problems. We are humans and we are meant to feel - to feel everything and to feel it openly. We are not metal, we are flesh and bone. Our boiled blood courses through our cold, clammy hands. We are intricate and beautiful and we should never hide what we are inside, because if we do, then what's left to show?

-October Night ♥

It's time for the fairytale to end,

cuz to you I was never really more than a friend,

and maybe that I'll never be,

so it's better to give up & to set myself free.

But who am I fooling, I only try acting clever,

deep inside I know I'm going to love you forever.

So here I am on an october night,

searching within for a ray of light..

I'm at a place I thought I'd never be, 

I'm living in a world that's about you and me,

Engrossed in the thoughts I'm envoloped in silence,

the only sound is of my heart shattering as it hits the ground in violence.

And I'm burning on a cold winter night,

I'm struggling to win this fight..

me versus me, my only witness is the dark,

for once I fail to figure whether to carry on or to disembark.

Cuz either way my heart will only break,

and tears will fall like the million snowflakes -

and as they cover the earth in white,

I'll pretend that everything is alright.

What lies within, no one will ever know,

until spring comes, the colours won't show.

And even though I'll say you're not everything I need,

my true feelings will still lie frozen underneath..

And like a helpless baby, I'll embrace the dark and weep,

but it will always be a secret that the night will keep.

Cuz you'll see me smiling again at dawn,

when I'll make it seem like I have moved on.

There will be a time when I'll brush away the dust,

and what lies at the core will reflect on the crust..

but then I'll turn around, walk away and try -

for you to not look into my eyes for they'd never lie.

And once again I'll feel tormented by the pain,

In the end my broken heart will only crave for you again..

I'll still be making wishes at 11:11 & on shooting stars,

My mind & heart will again be fighting wars.

And a perfect smiling doll I'll be in the sunlight,

but every night from now on will be this October night. ♥