-Could this be love? ♥

Sometimes I feel like there are words in my heart

that I want to speak out but cannot say out loud..

 the other times there are things that I feel 

but I cannot understand what they're all about.

& I don't know why my life is no more the same,

it's a new beginning I'm in love with & are you the one to blame?

Because I can listen to you talk all night never getting tired of hearing yr voice

because yr my angel in disguise. 

& I miss you even before we part, I wish to see you everytime we're apart.

& the sound of yr name send chills down my spine.. when I see you smile, I know I am fine.

Tell me baby, could this be love that I've gotten myself into?

Have I fallen for you even though I didn't mean to?

Because everytime I look for answers, my heart goes out of control,

Is it just the sound of my beating heart or is that love knocking at my door?

Because I feel lonely in a crowd when you're not here with me,

and when I've you along, I'm as happy as I can be.

I keep smiling to myself all the time & I keep wondering what's wrong with me,

Because something, something so beautiful, has changed my world completely.

Tell me baby, could this be love that I've gotten myself into?

Have I fallen for you even though I didn't mean to?

Because everytime I look for answers, my heart goes out of control,

Is it just the sound of my beating heart or is that love knocking at my door?

& you've become the sun that my world now revolves around, the new meaning that my life has found,

you've got my head spinning round&round, your heartbeat is now my favorite sound.

Because I've got this crush that's never gonna fade & for once I'm so not afraid -

to fall in love & to feel its magic, not worrying about the ending that could be tragic.

Now don't tell me baby that this could be love, 

because I know what it really is;

I had the answers all along, oh baby, you've got me so love sick.

I know what I've gotten myself into & I am not so confused anymore, 

because the sound of my beating heart is love, that has been knocking at my door.

♥

21st century breakdown

Don't you just hate those moments when everything, just everything seems to be falling apart ?

When you just can't control your life ? When everything that has always meant a lot to you, distances itself from you, just like that ? And who do you need the most, at such moments ? Your best friend, right ?

And what if, even he breaks you down, just like that ?

So, there comes this person.. and you become great friends. You come so close that in a few days you become inseparable. No person is of more importance to you now. You talk everyday, make amazing memories together.. and one day, one fight ruins it all. And nothing's ever going to be the same again. Ever.

I don't really know what to type & this is something that doesn't happen to me quite often.

I love writing and I can write about just anything, but this time, somehow, words don't seem to come out.

Because I'm appalled. I had NEVER expected this to happen. 

Tell me, how'd you feel when one moment, you are the most important person in someone's life and the next moment .. you are not even important ? And that too, without a good enough reason.

Best friends.. they can speak absolute shit about each other and be as close as they were, back again.

They are meant to fight.. and this relation is probably the only relation that starts and only grows, a relation that can never end. But now I know, nothing in this life can be trusted. 

No person, no relation. Anything can fall apart. Anything.

Oh, ofcourse, I do have other best friends who actually won't ever even think of doing something so brutal.. but then one such incident is enough, to break your trust or to break you, rather.

When something so devastating happens, thats when you realise how bad it actually hurts when it hurts.

Because until you don't go through this, you won't know how painful this pain truly is.

And you know what the worst part is ? The part where you get blamed for everything even though you didn't do anything.

The part where you're ready to apologize and you go, "Im sorry" and your heart keeps asking, "But what did you do?"

But you ignore that, because you're so busy trying to fix everything that you're willing to do anything.. just to bring everything back to normal.

That's what I did.. and that's why we are friends back again. 

But I'll never be able to forgive him for this.. for being so rude and accusing me of it,

for letting me go just like that and blaming me for leaving him..

for hurting me and giving me these deep scars that are never going to fade away..

for making me cry those useless tears, which were the unsaid words that I couldn't say.
I only hope that someday he will realise where he had gone wrong and regret losing me.

So, this was a one of a kind experience.. and I'll never go through something like this ever again. 

Because this breakdown was the last blow.. and there's nothing left for me to hold on to.

Trust, love, uh, what are those ? Such words don't even exist for me anymore. :)

I'll not make the same mistakes again, of making a person my world,

because they might just one day do something terrible and leave you all alone collecting the million pieces of the heart they once broke.

Now I won't let myself cause my heart so much misery, I won't let anybody hurt me anymore.

This was the final breakdown, I have learned the biggest lesson, the hard away -

to never let things get that far.

& as it rains tonight..

: I stand in my balcony all by myself.. 

watching the world race, time run & people change.

The close ones not so close anymore, they seem to be walking away slowly. 

The laughters from the past echo in my mind & the happy memories seem so distant.

Illusions are breaking, I now see a whole new world.. 

where nobody cares, nobody loves & every living soul is ruthlessly mean.

A real dark world, where hearts pour, not love but pain.

Everyone seems so busy. I feel unimportant, unwanted.

Maybe its all in my head but this phase, is a nightmare.

I'm scared.

My broken insides are now taking over & 

the fear of losing it all once again, is engulfing me.

I feel weak & so I curl up in a dark corner.

Heavy rain & roaring thunder are keeping me company.

I now think of the people I love so much - 

my family, friends & ofcourse, him. <3

I remember how profoundly they had changed my life when they first walked in. 

My friends. Best friends. Nostalgia takes over & I smile at the yesterday, 

a time that seemed so bright and so unreal.

The smile fades as I think of them now.

They are changing.. or maybe they ain't.

I'm not sure, but it scares me, losing them. 

For once, I want to be proved wrong. 

I want to see the people I'd do anything for, do the same for me.

And as it rains now, both outside & through my eyes,

he walks into my mind. A moment ago, I was breaking down

but I don't feel so anymore.

I feel the negativity drifting away, a smile lighting up my face.

Maybe I'm not so alone.. maybe there are people who I mean a lot to.

I should trust them. I do.

And his thoughts make me feel a whole lot better, I wonder what his actual 

presence might do. :)

I see mum coming to me holding two coffee mugs. I smile & wipe off the dry tears. 

I walk to her & give her a tight hug.

And its still raining, but not in my heart anymore. :)

Untitled.

Its just another day & I'm standing here,

next to you, catching glimpses of you..

you talk all the way & things get clear,

walking along, I'm feeling something true..

Oh boy, I think I'm in love with you.

Uh oh.

And in a moment my world has changed,

a whole new me, a whole new you,

I feel I can fly. .

Oh wait, I already flew.

But you don't yet know

the things going inside of me..

And I search yr eyes for that sparkle,

and after a while, I seeee..

The way you look at me & the way you say my name,

I fall for you over & over again.

My heart is racing, it wants you to know..

That yr the one for me & I love you so.

That my day begins with you & I sleep in yr thoughts,

That I'm in love with you & I love you a lot.

That if you ever walk away, I'm gonna cry. 

That I live for you & for you I'd die.

So I finally cross my fingers & I smile but a fear lingers..

I confess.. but it only turns out to be a mess. 

Coz you are not in love with me,

and what I thought was only my fantasy.

Though you say I'm the most important person

& that I mean a lot to you,

it won't make up for this heart that has been torn..

It will always belong to you.

You say, " Can't we be Bff's? "

I die a lil inside & say that we are..

so close & yet so far.

Always together, best friends forever,

& that's all we're ever gonna be.
You don't even notice how broken I am
or care to fall back for me.
Instead you ask me to make this feeling go away,
don't you know its here to stay?

And yet a part of me doesn't give up, 

it says you feel something too..

& someday, out of nowhere

you'll hold my waist & pull me close

& say that you love me & that you always have.

There still lies a hope.

And here's another day & I'm standing here.. 

waiting for you,

with some hope & with some fear. .

♥♥

Letters of love. ♥

" Before you walked into my life, my life wasn't really life.

It was as if it had only been raining in my heart. But the day I came to know you,

there came a rainbow that brightened up my world and gave my life a whole new meaning.When I first saw you, I had no idea we'd end up this way. I couldn't sense you'd give me your heart someday, but this is how life is. Unexpected. 

I don't know when and what happened.. it just seemed so right. You and Me.

You. That's what my life was missing. And when you entered, it changed it all.

My reason to change what I once used to be ? The reason is you. I had stopped believing in love and you made me believe in it again. You made me fall in it again. You brought to me the kind of happiness that I didn't even know existed. You just did so much for me, without even realising & for that I love you more. Yr the angel in my life & without you, life has no meaning. I can't even take a step without you by my side. Yr my addiction. Yr all  I need. The way I feel with you, I feel with no one else, the way you make me smile, nobody else does. I love you with all my heart, don't ever let go. " ♥

♥

I miss you ! :(

Watching the sunset, I think of you.

& when I think of you, I miss you.

It kills me everytime I realise we're so far apart..

when I wanna be close to you feeling the beat of your heart.

& I want to touch you, feel you & kiss you,

Why don't you come here ? so that I won't have to say I miss you.

Coz baby I need you here tonight,

& I want you never to go out my sight.

Coz baby, this distance has always ripped me,

so come closer - as close as close could ever be.

I wanna watch you as you speak in the middle of the night,

I wanna look into your eyes & hold you tight.

Why can't you just be here with me ?

Oh baby please don't say no ..

Come to me, & never let go <3

Coz I need you here with me..But I guess this is how it is meant to be

I miss you. :(

 

Lessons.

When anything bad happens in your teenage, everyday is a struggle. When your heart gets broken, it feels like the end of the world. You lose your hope.. you go berserk. You get the weirdest mood swings ever. So many mistakes.. & so many regrets. You sometimes have this urge to turn back time & to fix everything back again. You start living in terms of " What If ". You experience so much & you learn a lot. Teenage is that phase of your life.. when you become more mature & see the world without any illusion. That's what hurts. Its a stage where so many things disturb you, depresses you, shatters you.. but also makes you the person you're meant to be. It brings out the best in you. So when you feel like its the end, don't give up.. It's only a beginning to a better life, which you'll realise later. 

Teenage years might be all about drama, heartbreaks & tears.. but in the end, it's all worth it.

Coz like the saying goes, " Some of the lessons in life are best learned through pain ".

I can't believe I have just written the things above. Coz recently, I was broken down. I could feel my heart twist & churn. My world, for once, had shattered. I had had the deadliest mood swing ever during which, I hurt a lot many people. I used to talk to nobody, kept my cellphone switched off almost all the time. I fought with many, & took the others for granted. I sincerely apologize for that. I just couldn't help being that way. It felt like I've no control over myself. I didn't feel like myself at all. Seemed to me as if somebody else was taking over inside. I was struggling to come back, but everytime I tried, I failed.

Everybody kept asking me what was wrong with me but I just couldn't figure it out myself. I was a mess. & I still havn't recovered completely. My aberrant behavior kept worsening day by day. 

Maybe this is the stage where, I need sometime alone. I have been so busy with life lately that I didn't even wait to think about what I was doing ? I just needed to stay all by myself because that seriously felt the best. I felt sane & relieved. But as soon as I talked to someone, I felt so weird.. Maybe it happens with everyone at this age ? But I don't just know. I used to cry for no reason at all. Or maybe there was a reason which I overlooked.

But now.. when I feel a lil better, I think it all happened for good. I learned a lot. Bout myself. Bout the people I thought I mattered to. Bout the one's I took for granted. Bout the world. Im glad that all this happened.. coz I've always believed that everything that happens, happens for good. It took away that veil of trust that I had for everyone. It helped me so much.

What I've learned ? 

I've learned that crying & admitting when you're wrong are signs of strength, not weakness.

I've learned that love is more important than money, power or sex.

I've learned that forgiveness heals everyone most importantly you.

I've learned that laughter is truly the best medicine for the soul.

I've learned not to trust just anyone. I've learned that you can't take life too seriously.

I've learned that sometimes listening to what others have to say is the best therapy.

I've learned that how people treat you is their karma and how you react is yours.

I've learned that I've learned a lot but still know very little. There's so much more I need to learn.

But for now, Im a brand new person altogether.